so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
