she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
