Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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