my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
