so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
