Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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