It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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