Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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