he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
