she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
