I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
