we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
