when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
