So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
