just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
