Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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