Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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