Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
