woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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