I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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