just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
