saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
