I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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