I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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