Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You are a genius and a whore.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
