Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
