Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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