I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
