i already hear my dad disowning me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
