i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
