Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
