i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
