I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
