Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
