Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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