Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
