I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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