genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
