No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
