He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
