the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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