I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
