she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
