Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
