i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
