Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
