i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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