I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
