You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
