A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
